2014's Least Influential People

If you're wondering who "took up vast clouds of oxygen, gave us back nothing of use, and probably helped accelerate the death of our planet" most this year, Drew Magary has 30 of them ranked and ready for our review in GQ's "Least Influential People of 2014" list:

• We're starting to feel a little bad for Bono and U2. Magary writes that "Apple had to send out specific instructions for how to wipe Songs of Innocence (God, that title) off your computer. The worst part was the way both Apple and U2 treated this, like it was some kind of noble gift to The People."
• President Obama didn't top the list, but Magary saves a good tongue-lashing for his No. 2: "Why are you still on Martha's Vineyard?! Missouri is BURNING. Putin is conquering Europe. The CDC is playing nude Twister with Ebola patients. I need you ON THIS. Are you even president anymore?"

• In perhaps his most timely takedown, Magary hits Jay Nixon, proclaiming, "He's the governor of Missouri. Did you know that? Pretty sure the people of Ferguson don't. They think their governor is a very large tank." He also ranks "Cops" at No. 30: "The whole point of having police officers is to maintain law and order, which means they become useless when they decide to arm themselves like a bunch of space soldiers in Halo, roam the streets, aim their rifles at everyone they see, and choke out asthmatic black men."
• America's favorite media whipping boy, CNN, also gets taken to task: "They're still looking for that f---ing plane! Is it in the ocean? Did it travel to another dimension? WAS IT A ZOMBIE PLANE?! We need to put the folks at CNN out of their misery. I can get better news standing at a g---amn bus stop."
• Some of Magary's more bizarre picks: the duo that created How I Met Your Mother, Johnny Depp ("What if Johnny Depp played an actual human being—one who could plausibly exist in real life?"), and Zach Braff, who should have taken the crowdfunded cash he raised for his "Garden State do-over" and "filmed himself rubbing that money on his armpits."

Check out the entire list. (More GQ stories.)