A Teen Boy's Guide to Love, Via New Moon

When it came to being cool and hitting it off with girls, Mick LaSalle had it hard as a teen—he had to figure out what width belt to wear and such without the benefit of Twilight as a primer. Herewith, some "empirical data" helpful to 15-year-old boys he gleaned from New Moon and offers in the San Francisco Chronicle:

• "Keep your compliments outlandish:" "You give me everything by breathing" might seem like an odd, even quizzical thing to say, but it's also tres sexy.

• Have muscles: Is the Jacob character suddenly interesting to Bella because he's a werewolf? No, no, LaSalle writes. It's "the result of getting seriously pumped up between movies."
• Have bigger fish to fry: "Edward is worried about death in life, a guarantee of damnation, and the distinct possibility that at any moment he might rip open someone's neck." Being smooth with the ladies is almost an afterthought.
• Say "I will protect you" a lot: Seems to work.
• Kiss like you have a medical condition: When Edward kisses Bella, it "looks as if he is about to go into an apoplectic shock." Off-putting? No. Seems to work.

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(More The Twilight Saga: New Moon stories.)