Rejoice! Jacko Is Backo

Just admit it: You’re thrilled the King of Pop is touring again—if not, Dan Abramson thinks you should be, and cops to his own unbridled excitement in the Huffington Post. So Michael Jackson is a weirdo—who cares? The man regularly causes people to pass out: “MJ could just walk backwards and people would go down.”

So many people faint at Jacko’s shows, security is constantly ready. “It's part of the drill—their sole purpose is to carry off the dead.” The only other person who compares is Obama, who is “clearly channeling Michael, with all of his rhetorical crotch grabs and sky points.” When Jacko himself pulls “the point,” he seems to ask, “Who wants some?” And the answer? “God. And maybe John Wayne. (John Wayne clearly being God's right hand man.)”