Jon Stewart: 'This Cannot Be Real Life'

'Daily Show' host calls out Biden's stumbles, Trump's lies at debate
By Arden Dier,  Newser Staff
Posted Jun 28, 2024 7:41 AM CDT

If there were performance-enhancing drugs in use at Thursday's presidential debate, there weren't enough, according to Jon Stewart. President Biden's stumbles and former President Trump's blatant lies showed "both of these men should be using performance-enhancing drugs"—"as much of it as they can get, as many times a day, as their bodies will allow," the Daily Show host joked in a live episode immediately following the debate. Meanwhile, Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host Martin Short dedicated a musical number to Trump.

  • Performance-enhancing drugs: They might've helped the candidates "improve their lucidity, their ability to solve problems, and in one of the candidate's case, improve their truthfulness, morality, and malignant narcissism," Stewart said, per Rolling Stone. "And if those drugs don't exist ... I could sure f---ing use some recreational ones right now. Because this cannot be real life. It just can't."

  • Cringing Democrats: Stewart showed a clip of Biden stumbling during a response about Medicare. "A lot of times you can confuse saving Medicare with beating it," he said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "I'm sure it's not something that repeated throughout the debate, causing Democrats across the country to either jump out of windows or vomit silently into the nearest recycling bin."
  • Trump's lies: "So, Biden, perhaps, not on top of his game. Maybe I will check out this young upstart Donald Trump," said Stewart before noting Trump "does not appear to have passed the a--hole test," per Deadline. He played a clip of one of Trump's answers, then noted "everything" Trump said was a lie "blatant and full." "And we were tight on time putting this thing together," he said. "There's plenty more."

  • Moderators: Stewart called out CNN moderators for failing to factcheck either candidate and limiting answers to two minutes. "Who came up with these dumb--- f---ing rules and why would any of these people agree to them?" he asked. "What can you do in two minutes? ... That's going to whittle out anything that might be interesting or substance."
  • Cranky Doodle: "You know who would have been a better moderator? Me," said Short, who appeared as his character Jiminy Glick. He complained Kimmel "is too negative about" Trump before launching into a musical salute to the tune of "Yankee Doodle." "Cranky Doodle, make us great. Be the one who frees us. Your our bigly Burger King, our sweet orange baby Jesus," he sang.
(More presidential debate stories.)

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