Fake Steve Jobs: Leave Jobs Alone

Steve Jobs is taking a medical leave of absence, and we should all just ... let him be absent, writes the guy who's spent the better part of the last few years tweaking the Apple guru. None other than Fake Steve Jobs, aka Dan Lyons, has put his blog on hiatus effective immediately, and takes to the Daily Beast to call for those "filthy hacks" out there to "leave Steve alone." Lyons knows it's unlikely to happen: "They will rationalize the prying story by saying that Apple is a public company and investors need—nay, deserve—this information. Well, bullshit."

"Don't go around claiming that your handful of shares gives you the right to pry into the private life of a sick man." If you want to know more about cancer, visit your local library, writes Lyons. And if investors really can't live with the uncertainty, "sell your shares and thank Steve Jobs for the ridiculous profits you've made." But Lyons won't be snooping around: Like Apple employees who "don’t know what’s wrong with their boss" and are "just feeling awful"—but are bound to be hounded by the media about their boss' condition all the same—"Today, I'm feeling awful, too." (More Fake Steve Jobs stories.)